Saturday, February 20, 2010

Parental Involvement

Why is it that after 25 years of life, I still don't know that comparing myself to others will never lead anywhere good . . . perhaps something to work on for the next 25 years. In the past year, when everyone and their second cousins' dogwalkers were getting engaged, I began the comparison game: I compared my mom (I think that might be the 8th deadly sin). Once my parents gave us the 'congratulations' and 'well, that sure is swell' (really, my dad said that) after the engagement, my mom and dad generally quieted down about the wedding. They still asked about how C and I were doing, relationship wise, but not so much as a peep about details of the wedding.

This was fine, as I had told myself I would wait to start most of the planning. It was fine, at least, until I started hearing about "other moms", moms of the engaged people in my nursing program. "Other moms" had bought wedding planning books on Amazon; "other moms" had begun meeting with vendors while their daughters were busy. I began to yearn for such an involved mom. Did my mom not care about me?!?! Childish insecurities began to overwhelm me.
Aww, moms (Arthur's mom!)
But just a few weeks after I began my mom-envy, I was given a reality check. During a phone conversation with my mom, I mentioned a venue that my mister and I planned to check out when I returned to California. She told me, "Dad and I already looked at that place- it's no good." WHAT?!? How had she already seen this venue??

Turns out that my mom and dad had been visiting venues, and talking about details together, but didn't tell me about it because they didn't want to impose their ideas on C and I. Now, while I found it a bit odd (why visit sites if you're not going to even tell me?), I also was touched. My mom is interested in the wedding, she just expresses it in a different way than "other moms". It wasn't fair to compare her. It's like comparing

Source 1 and 2
My mom had always allowed me to decide things on my own, and if she had an opinion, she would (generally) hold her tongue. Why had I been thinking that wedding planning would be any different? She wants to be involved, but only as much as we want her to be. And now that I'm back home (I always considered the Bay Area 'home', even when living in DC), and am closer to her, I try to include my mom in wedding decisions. Because we're buds. And I love her.

My mummsy and I (not the most flatter of pics, but hey! we were hiking. No make-up allowed while hiking, haven't you heard?)

How involved are your parents in the wedding planning? Do you wish that they were more involved? Less involved?

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